Or rather it was last week. I decided to take temporary leave from my course. I'm reckoning on it being for a few months, but we'll see how it goes. I was just so tired. Physically and mentally. And I know all my friends on the course are the same but I was suffering from debilitating anxiety and depression, stopping me from going to placement, so my mind/body kind of put me on a break without my consent in a way. It was a really hard decision to make, but in some ways really easy. I've got a lot of support but now I'm worrying how I'll survive financially! And it's sad I won't get to graduate with all my friends. When they're celebrating I'll still have so far to go. But I just try to remember how it's best to stick to my own timetable and destiny rather than everyone else's. And I'm getting the help I need finally! I found a great couple of doctors who have set me on course.

So now I'm on a break I'm gonna take some advice my Dad gave me and enjoy it as much as possible, rather than spend it worrying. Well that's the plan anyway! Roll on Litha!

Blessings!

P.S. Anyone know what happened to Ayahuasca?

I have to start back on placement on Monday night, but I'm feeling really positive about it, which is a big deal for me. Having some romantic issues going round my head to stop me dwelling on it may have helped! I'm completely smitten with one of my housemates, we get on so well and have very similar tastes and views on things, but I just have no idea how to tell him. He hides things just like I do, so I don't know if I'm misreading the little signals he gives out or he's "just not that into me"! We only have a few weeks left of living together, and though I'd be disappointed if he didn't feel the same way, to be honest I'd just be thankful to know one way or the other! It doesn't help that we're both so busy that we have no time to go out together, coz I think a bit of the ol' social lubricant would help lol! I pray to the Gods for guidance and the strength to tell him how I feel. It's exciting to feel so strongly for someone, coz I never have before, but it's horrible not having it reciprocated. Any advice would be much appreciated!

I did a Beltane ritual and used it to help motivate me in my studies and feel positive about working on delivery suite, which can be exhausting and scary. But I have some lovely mentors to work with and I'm gonna be really confident and do my best. It was great to get the old tools out and honour the Gods.

I'm making a little altar for this purpose, sort of a midwifery altar. It's basically a coloured piece of card, more like a poster, so I can stick stuff on it and quickly hide it away from prying eyes if I need to. I've got pictures of people, characters, and midwives who inspire me and give me strength, and positive affirmations written down. I'll also decorate it with pictures of flowers and maybe animals that represent strength. I also want to put a pic of these fabulous posters which one NHS trust in the UK has made to promote breastfeeding to younger people. They make the young Mums look amazing! I'm gonna put my midwifery badge, my pinard stethescope, midwifery cards and my fob watch on it too (if I ever find the bloody thing!), so I can look at it when I grab them before I leave for work.

Hope you're all good out there in covenspace land, and don't forget any advice (especially from the male perspective) would be great.

Merry part

Araceli

Lol, at least I am according to this quiz. It's a pretty accurate description of me. What do you come out as?

What herb are you?

YOU ARE ROSEMARY Take this quiz! Quizilla | Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

I'm sneezing, I swear if I get another cold I'm gonna hurt someone, possibly myself lol!! Oh well I had a nice chat with Mum and my grandparents today, watched TV with my unrequited love, and all is well with the world. Didn't get any work done as I slept all day but I figure I must have needed it? Just gotta make sure I don't get into the habit. I'll work tomorrow. My Mum gave me a load of crystals, some of which I already have so I'm giving those to my friend, so I've been busy writing out all their meanings and uses for her. She'll like them. It would be good to go for another run tomorrow too - might go a little easier on myself though coz I'm aching from yesterday's!

Ugh. Feel a bit icky in my tummy too. Joy. Time for bed soon.

Araceli

I was feeling a bit down, and I'm still feeling rather sombre, but I went on livejournal and saw a community that cheered me up a bit. You have to post a positive thought every day for at least thirty days. I would've joined except my internet is now rejecting the site for some reason.

Anyhoo, I have been meaning to start writing down every day what I am thankful for too. I do get round to it sometimes. I'm the kind of person who needs to actively try and stay positive lol (well I suppose everybody does).

So anyway I'm going to post my positive thoughts and general thankfulness here.

)O( I'm beautiful even though I didn't fit into that bikini today.

)O( I had a nice little chat with my sister whom I adore.

)O( It doesn't matter that my new sports bra off ebay stank of cigarettes, it can be washed lol!

)O( I did a tonne of work today which I will report back to the class tomorrow with gusto!

)O( It's okay to feel a little sad sometimes, especially if you're overtired.

)O( Unrequited love can be a little depressing, but I still enjoy being with him most of the time.

)O( I'm a fab student midwife!

That helped a bit. Gonna go listen to Morrissey/The Smiths now. For some reason they always make me feel better! Thanks for your comments guys and hello to new friend, Marley! I will head over to your site soon but for now I have to go to bed.

Araceli